*This post was written by CSUCI student, Emily Hernandez.
When you shake a soda can, the carbonated fizz is waiting to burst at the slightest opening it can find. When a person bottles up things time and time again, the same effect happens. At one point you have to burst. Most of the time you can’t control it.
I think that was the scariest part when I started having panic attacks. I didn’t know what was happening or even if it was normal. It felt like my body was attacking me. I felt ashamed and scared that someone was going to tell me I was going insane. I kept it secret until I had major episode and couldn’t hide it anymore.
Living with anxiety is exhausting to say the least. Most days I would say I feel fine but on the days I don’t, it could take a bad turn. The worst part is that you don’t know what will trigger you. One day it might be stress, another disappointment, and sometimes something as silly as breaking from routine. My head always reverts to the same ideas. It tells me I don’t deserve to be here. It questions me, “Why am I constantly disappointing everyone?” It uses logic and reason against me by demonstrating how many ways my family would be better off without me. On those days I want to disappear because it sounds so convincing. I start agreeing and that’s what’s dangerous. As my chest heaves and my head is disoriented, I want to end it all. But I’m so scared.
I’m scared of pain. I’ve always been a big wuss to be honest. I’m scared of dying. I don’t know what’s in store for me so why would I want to go voluntarily? I’m scared of being alone. I know I’ll end up that way eventually, but if I end it now, I have to do it alone.
Another thing stopping me is my pride. Personally, I don’t want to prove anyone right that I was coward. Like Marty McFly, I ain’t no chicken. Then I start thinking what about the funeral. It would be abrupt so they wouldn’t know how to throw an amazing goodbye for me. Would they cremate me? If so, would they keep me trapped in a vase or throw me into the wind where I might I end up on dog poo. I don’t want that. If they bury me, what am I going to wear? My mother has different taste than me and I don’t want to show up to the afterlife in gaudy clothes. And who would get my stuff? Specifically my phone? I love my friends and family but no way in heck do I want them to look through that thing. There are some things I want y’all to never know about me.
By this point, millions of other of questions occur and I’m in the clear. I get up and brush myself off. Maybe wash my face, quickly brush my teeth and go back to watching funny videos on Youtube.
There’s no dumb reason to continue. Honestly, whatever keeps you going is the best reason. Of course it’s scary when those thoughts invade your head but just like every procrastinating student does, make up an excuse. If it’s because you’re waiting for a new episode, cool. If you need to feed your fish, perfect. Just keep going no matter what reason you choose.