Haydence is a Ventura County high school student. You can find her blog here.
This may be the hardest thing I’ll have to do in my life. My actions may be considered “wrong” to you or to our society. And yet, I still feel complete injustice because I’m doing this for myself. I am making sure that I am safe.
I just wanted to know you. I just wanted to try to have a real relationship. Not because I was being forced to here and there, but, because I am a part of you. As a young girl, I knew you as “Dad”, nothing more. I understood that you were my father and I adored you. I looked up to you even though you’ve hit so many rough patches with my brothers and me.
Things were always complicated. My parents being separated, for one, but, living across the country from another… having to fly back and forth, knowing that when we left back home, we wouldn’t see you again for a long, long time; never knowing exactly when we’d ever see you again… or if we even would at that point.
Being so young and able to let go that easily; being so confused and angry; feeling unworthy and guilty; having so much built up jealousy towards your own brothers because they actually got to feel what it was like to have TWO parents, together. Feeling like the mistake, the problem, the cause. Stress, anxiety, pressure I have put on my own self to redeem my faults. Striving to be perfect in everything. Just wanting the spotlight or sympathy for once.
Wanting someone to feel bad for me. Saying, “She was daddy’s little girl, I feel so bad for her because he’s gone.” Everyone forgot about me.
Now, the roles have switched & I feel guilty. How come I am so close to my father when he won’t even make an attempt with my brother? I feel selfish.
Stop the relationship. He isn’t even worth it. You put us in harm’s way too many times. You don’t understand me, trust me, and love me. I don’t need you. None of us need you. I do not want a relationship with you. I do not want you in my life. I do not wish to spend any more days questioning the past or future. I will not cry over you leaving, once again. It’s my turn to be the mature one in this equation. I’m leaving. I left. I’m gone. I’m done. Leave me be.
I have so many bottled up emotions I don’t know what to do. I could cry for days and still feel the pressure. I don’t even understand how to let this out. The only thing I can do is forget about it. Push it to the side & leave you in the past. Sure, you’ll always be my dad… but i can never forgive you. I won’t.
I feel like you did something to me. I don’t exactly know what. I always have this flashback of a day dream- [You’re drunk.] *screaming* “Please don’t do this?” “Daddy, what are you doing?” I see blood. I see tears. I see sweat. I see a pillow. I hear music. I see the kitchen. I smell booze. And yet… I don’t understand. One day it will all be clear, and I will speak up. Until then, you stay out of my life.