Oh my struggling friend, oh my womanchild sister,
Where’s the little girl that was?
I can see that you miss her.
Don’t you think that I know,
You don’t want it to be real.
I can hear your denial,
I know just how you feel.
Yeah, you want to defend him,
You want to protect him.
‘Cause he was your friend until
The moment you wouldn’t let him.
And if you can pretend he’s still your friend today,
Then it’s like it never really happened,
And then the pain will go away,
Then the pain will go away…
This is the first verse of a song I wrote for my little sister, who lost her virginity at a party after passing out drunk on a pile of coats in a back room… She woke up briefly to find her “friend” Joe on top of her, tried to push him off, then passed out again… opened her eyes in a shock of intense pain as he forced his way into her, struggled in vain for a few moments and then passed out again. She only remembers blurry images from the episode that followed, as she passed in and out of consciousness… When she woke again later, he was gone, along with her innocence, her self respect and her trust in men. He totally ignored her at school on Monday. She still has relationship issues…
I hear from teens these days that it’s very common for guys to carry off passed out girls at a party, taking them to a bedroom to have sex with them. Sometimes more than one guy will participate. And though people at the party might not exactly think it’s okay, no one says anything! This form of sexual assault has become so common that it has become socially acceptable at teen parties, with an attitude of “have fun, dude!” Although there has always been a “boys-will-be-boys” double standard when it comes to sex in America, this is just insane.
Guys, if a girl is passed out and you have sex with her, it is RAPE. Not a “hook-up,” not a fun party game. There are serious emotional consequences for her, possible physical consequences for you both, and potential jail time for you. Any guy who has something to offer and a shred of self-worth should NOT need to get a girl to pass out in order to have a chance with her.
Yes, dating is vulnerable, and scary, and full of all kinds of confusing feelings. Teens (and adults) often use alcohol to mask that, or to give them “liquid courage” to do or say the things they wish they could do or say sober. This, in itself, shows us that we have a lot of work to do in the realm of self-acceptance and social interaction. But, no matter what, nothing justifies the abuse and violation of another person, in order to make yourself feel powerful and accepted. If your confidence is so low that you feel the need to participate in this trend, the first thing you need to reach for is not a bottle of alcohol, but a phone to a counselor.