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Love is in the Air

April 21, 2020 11:20 am Published by Comments Off on Love is in the Air
Image shows a man and woman laying on the grass outside, holding hands on a fall day.

This post was written by a senior at CSUCI.

Throughout my high school (and the beginning of my collegiate) career, I was always concerned about dating. About the fact that I didn’t have a boyfriend, about the fact that boys acted like I didn’t exist unless I was accompanied by a pretty friend, about the fact that I wasn’t even completely sure of my sexuality or myself. 

Speaking of sexuality as well, sex and kissing was something I just saw on the TV or when I saw kids snogging in the hallways at school (gross). I always felt underdeveloped, and not having a period until I was 15 years old didn’t exactly help me feel any more mature than I was already feeling. I felt less valid as a girl somehow, and would constantly wish for someone to love me. Even when I did go on a date (I remember going on about 4 or 5), they were always awkward, unpleasant, and I avoided the person after that. Not that these guys were bad people, but I would just NEVER have gotten along with them. I remember thinking, “What’s the point? Why should I bother when I am never going to get someone I want and who is compatible with me?”

It’s sad looking back on my attitudes towards dating. To be completely honest, as of right now I’m happy I never ended up dating someone for the first time until I was a junior in college. Even with my first boyfriend, the initiation of the relationship felt forced and looking back at it, although I feel like it was a good experience and I mostly don’t regret dating this person, I do a little bit deep down sometimes. One of the things I can absolutely see as a positive is that I know I have a decent idea about my standards for a person and what I expect in a relationship. Although they are mostly flexible, there are things that I am firm about and I am happy to wait to run into the person who I really think is a good fit. 

Another huge thing about my “love life” is figuring out my sexuality. I felt very repressed during high school, with an overall feeling that gayness was not okay, so I just didn’t ever think about it. I feel much more free now, especially with the internet existing (yay!). Now I can chat with others or read other peoples’ experiences that I relate to which makes me feel a lot more validated. Being closeted and confused can feel very stifling – not only that, but I feel very terrified of telling my friends or family members, because that would make it real and then I would have an entire other realm of dating available to me of the same sex. I am also afraid; sometimes I feel that bisexuality and pansexuality is deemed as less “valid” since they are seen as not committed to one specific gender. 

Image shows group of diverse LGBTQ individuals and allies, holding rainbow flags and wearing shirts that say things like, Love is love.

I feel very privileged to have been able to enjoy my high school career drooling over boys and not have to be concerned about “being normal” and pretending to like a person I don’t. I deeply respect my LGBTQ friends I have that were brave enough to come out when they were 14 or 15 and own it from the start, enjoying their lives and being nothing short of gracious. I love them to death, and I hope that maybe one day I can do the same, and freely date whoever I want, happily, and not think any negative thoughts about myself or my dating habits in the process.