This essay was written by a Cal State Channel Islands student in April 2015.
When one says “fear,” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Is it clowns, spiders, snakes, or sharks? These cause fear, but they are all pretty predictable. When I hear the word fear, I think of all those things, I say those things, but what I fear the most are relationships. I’m not saying that I’m against relationships, I just have the fear of rejection. No matter who you are, there will always be that small fear that is in your mind casting doubt.
Relationships. Girls. Guys. Love. Fear. These are things that come to my mind when I think of relationships. Love for the ones who you care for, who it is for, is up to you. As long as its love and care that run the relationship, rather than lies, and false smiles. These are the happy times, but behind each couple there was a time where they had the fear that the other would say no. The fear when you first meet them, that awkwardness when you talk, the anxiety when you first look into their eyes. But the Fear is when you realize that no matter how much you care for them, they might never feel the same for you and will say no. The fear that after the while you had been dating they would break it off with no warning.
In my life I have had a few girlfriends, and that boosted my low self confidence because I’m not the fittest guy, nor the best looking. Then one day while I was dating a girl, she suddenly stopped talking to me, she stopped texting me, and when I saw her, she said her phone was acting up. But later when I finally confronted her about it, she said the worst thing that one can ever hear. She told me that she had never liked me in the first place, and that I was no one to her. In that one moment, I felt low, lower in my life than I had been in years. It destroyed my confidence. I still have not talked to anyone about it, I just smile and say “I’m doing well.” But inside it hurts.
Fear, there are those who have it, then there are those that cover it up well. Its a pain that never leaves us, and then you lose all the confidence you had gained before then, its gone, and you feel worthless, and then you feel as if everyone feels the same way. I now have a bigger fear of rejection, even if they feel the same about me, I still fear that I could be hurt again as I was before. But its a fear that you will have no matter what you do.